Sunday, January 31, 2016

Remembering My Ninang Dorothy

I just needed to pour my heart out. It feels so heavy.

My Ninang Dorothy is the only sibling of my mother; hence, aside from being my godmother, she is also my aunt. She is like a second mother to me and I will always remember her for being loving and caring; though I admit that there are times, I get annoyed at how she spoils the people around her.

On January 30, 2015, she lost her fight against her fatal kidney disease. I was so struck…devastated that I can’t hold my tears whenever the thought of her suffering crosses my mind. We did our best to keep her alive. On my part I had been working harder because I wanted to save money and buy the machine that will give her healing the non-invasive way. I know the pain she is going through and I don't want her to feel any more of it. I was even excited because I agreed to shoulder the operation that will make her weekly dialysis easier to execute. That operation is supposed to be today. 2 days before she died. I really am so hurt.

I feel guilty at times, thinking that we’ve been somehow cruel because we only prolonged her misery for our own selfish reasons. Personally, I wanted her to stay because I know I will miss her. I still want to make up for the times that we’ve been apart; although I heard her say so many times that if she’ll be allowed to choose, she’d rather end the sufferings, hers and ours.

Until now, I feel the anguish that I had to see several deaths in the family, witnessed how they suffered before they died, thinking that if only I am filthy rich, I would be able to save them because I can bring them to the best hospitals and healers. I wish Euthanasia is legal on human beings. If it is, probably, I won’t be too much afraid of the thought that my loved ones will one day expire…and so will I. This also makes me wonder, which is crueler, to keep a person alive even though you know you are only making her more miserable or end her life so that her extreme sufferings will stop.

Ninang Dorothy’s pain is too much to bear until the hour of her death. That gave my heart so much torture. Why can’t life be fair to this wonderful, harmless person whose only wish is for each of us to be happy? To this someone who has a very beautiful heart and soul.

I will always remember her smile and how funny she can be. The last time I saw her, she was still trying to make me laugh in spite of her predicament. Losing her makes me want to live and show love to everyone without fear. Life is very short and we have to make the most out of it.

I love you very much and I will truly miss you. I will always be your daughter in heart.

The author, Jade Martin, is the founder and creator of Center for Paranormal Studies, Profilers of the Unknown and Intramuros Ghost Walk. She is also a Businesswoman, Life and Business Coach, Author, Singer and Songwriter, Ghost Tour Operator, Paranormal Investigator and Consultant, Energy Healer, Hypnotherapist, Past Life Regression Therapist, Numerologist and Tarot Reader.

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